Friends, I have wonderful news! Our biggest problems, 1) what to give our family and friends for Christmas and 2)how to survive the coming zombie apocalypse, have been solved!
We, the one's with sound minds anyway, are fully aware that while Kim Kardashian is distracting the universe with her giant butt and full frontal nudity, Obama is hard at work creating Ebola riddled zombies deep in the center of Mt. Ararat. Using Noah's Ark as a make shift lab, he is single handedly plotting the world's annihilation. Day and night Kenyans patrol the perimeter protecting not only these evil doings, but also his birth certificate. How can people just stand around talking about health care, homelessness, global warming and fracking for God's sake?? Fracking? What the fricking frick is fracking anyway? Just another liberal scare tactic that's what! Same as global warming! Stupid tree huggers. Trees were made for making guns, gun cabinets and baseball bats, not oxygen! Why are we wasting time yakking about clean air and water and the microscopic genes in corn kernels! Stop talking about GMO's idiots! We need all the corn we can store up! Grow it as fast as you can and fill the storehouses! The end is coming and when it does, I for one am going to be needing a lot of mother fucking nachos!
Speaking of end times and food, prepare to be amazed by the perfect gift for those who have everything. This year all of my loved ones are getting the Times of Trouble food supply tote designed by Jim Bakker, master of intelligence and creator of gastronomic specialties of biblical proportions.
Jim knows what's going down right now and he's looking out for us, because you know, he loves us and the tote sells for $3,000. That's a bargain though, because it's five years worth of food! Five years I said! In one bright green plastic crate made in China are all the delicacies you need to eat like a king. Peel off the sticker, use a sharpie to label it "Christmas Ornaments", and put it in your basement. No one will know the difference! Disguising it will keep you from having to share with those people who were too little, too late. I know, I know, Jesus said share and love your neighbor .....blah blah blah. Look, it sucks for them, but in the End Times all the rules are gonna be different. Read Revelations if you don't believe me, or watch The Walking Dead. Think about this; zombies gotta eat too. If we're going to expect the reward of getting to stab them through the eye sockets and slice off their rotting limbs, we're going to have to make some sacrifices. I, for one, do not want to miss out on that. When this happens you're gonna need food. Thankfully, the Lord has provided.
Not only does the Times of Trouble Tote come with 273 desserts, it is perfected with such delights as Tammy Sue's Fudge Brownies, Fern & Raleigh's Pancakes and End of the World Biscuits you can smother in...wait for it... End of the World Gravy! All we'll need is a little boiled squirrel and we'll have Heaven on Earth! All the stupid people, those who don't watch wealthy backwoods televangelists spouting doom, along with most of the liberals (because they have no guns), will be dead. God won't even have to deal with all the work of that tiresome Rapture thingy, he can just sit back, relax and enjoy watching us slay the undead! And we'll have enough nachos to share with him!
Refreshingly, there's no mention of GMO's, high fructose corn syrup or gluten in these meals. Don't you just get sick of hearing that nonsense? Time to celebrate and sing Halelujah!!!
The best part of this plastic treasure chest of life giving goodness is, even if that stupid global warming stuff had any science behind it, the ice cream never melts! NEVER! I don't know how they created this stuff, but I'm thinking if you cubed old dish sponges and saturated them in Elmer's glue flavored with Kool Aide, you might be close. Pure, plastiky, gummy deliciousness, like the film on top of an old can of latex paint. Nom Nom!! Astronauts thought they were advanced, but their meals can't hold a candle to the culinary perfection Jim Bakker learned in the prison dining hall. Please be forewarned, there is already an 8 to 12 week wait time because of high volume sales right now. Get online and buy this before, as Jim solemnly tells us, "Do it while there's yet time." Waste nary another moment, in a twinkling of an eye that gravy could be ate up and gone! Get your bangin' End Times party box now!
Jim's other survival items for sale include a canteen kit, clothing and even enemas! Nobody needs their corpse killin' mojo hampered by slow plumbing, am I right? The man has thought of everything! However, if you buy Jim's special Black Bean Burger Buckets, I'm thinking you can probably bypass the enema.
Now y'all don't pussyfoot around! Catch up on all the ways to kill zombies in this dope video by Carl Poppa before the grid goes down! (Extra long screw drivers make excellent stocking stuffers, wink wink ;)
Down there in our dank, sunless bunkers, free from zombies, big government, common core and mandatory childhood vaccines, we'll be safe and sound reveling in glory and delicious munchies! Not a thing to worry about! Except maybe, diabetes.
Merry Christmas and God Bless!
